Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
