She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
