his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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