I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
