How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
