dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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