the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
