All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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