Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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