this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
