Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
