Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
