I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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