no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
