got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
