not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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