Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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