I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
