Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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