We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
