So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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