the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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