she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
