Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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