at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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