This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
