I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
