what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
