I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
