OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
