And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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