When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
