I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
