allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
