To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
