I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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