how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
