a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
there is glitter all over my balls
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
