I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
