Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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