Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
