Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my phone needs a breathalizer
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
