She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
