you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
