you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
