At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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