after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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