They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
