I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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