Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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