Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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