New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
