I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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